i will r e a c h;
    i will stretch my body        forward.
    beginning at the
root,       until
    (at
    long
    last)
    the sun
    kisses [dries, warms, ripens]
    my face.
i will r e a c h;
    i will draw
    (out!)
    from those half moons,
    from those
    (glowing!)
    saline reservoirs
    a [dry, warm, playful]
glance.

i will r e a c h;
    i will hold my arms
    ----------------outstretched
    and welcome your
    body {dry, warm, safe]
    from its

(solitary)

    former.
    (and no longer!)
i will reach.

so nate's grad party is sunday, and i wanted to make him something really special. the text you see is from jack kerouac's "The Dharma Bums."
( picture-heavy )

the notebook is for him to bring to college and fill with drawings and thoughts and things. i hope he'll like it.

a found photograph
on a rainy boston street--
love in awkward smiles.

to the weird, anonymous poster:
i have no idea what that is supposed to mean, but thank you for reminding me to lock my entries.
have a nice day.

i can be so inarticulate.
and it's not just my writing. sometimes i can't even figure out what it is i'm feeling.
i think i need to put on a nice sweater and curl up into a ball.

SWAN day is saturday and i'm so excited/nervous. i bought a hot-pink mini skirt for the occasion and afterwards nate and i are coming back, ordering pizza and watching old horror flicks for the rest of the night.
it's so amazing, how i feel about him. talking about college is starting to scare me, but i'm going to enjoy what i can right now.

i had my junior interview yesterday. my gpa is at 3.5 right now, which isn't so bad, and i rank 85 out of 286 juniors in my class. mrs. little is really pushing the northeastern school of art and science. the whole idea of applying scares me, but i'm excited that she's encouraging me to apply to these really great schools. the list goes on and on, but i'm only really interested in a few and i've got a few months to go before i really have to start thinking about it.


eeeeek life is so incredible. i feel too much right now. i'm not even in a great mood, it's just so...
i feel like i could go on and on and on.

hope all is well,
xo!

it's going to sound so stupid, but it really does consume me.
i hate feeling fat.
i hate it even more when people tell me i'm skinny and what i see just doesn't correspond.
it's making me cry again,
how can i fix this?

my vegan cupcakes are perfection.




they're chocolate vegan cupcakes with a raspberry "buttercream" frosting, and i've been making them all weekend.


i'd be glad to share the recipe :D
hope all is well,
xo.

i'm really not as detached as i'd like to think.
i wish for the wealth and lives of others,
i long after thin bodies and long hair,
i wish my car didn't have a broken door,
i want sisters and a happy family,
i wish i could afford all the books i want,
and i want new clothes just as much as anyone else.
i long for the freedom that comes with money.
how stupid is that?


i guess deep down, no matter how close i feel i'm slouching towards nirvana, we're all centered around those silly things. and i really do try not to want the lives of others, but i can't help it. i can't help but think that everything would be so much easier if my family and i were more well off. or if i had a normal family to begin with.

i smell like nate and it's love. i live with a lot more love than most people i know with money. i guess i'd still prefer my life to any other loveless life, no matter how much simpler it seems on the surface.

i hope you all know that i love you, because i do. more than anything, i love.
xo.

Awesome things:
-i'm at a healthy (little!) weight
-i've managed to repair my hair
-i have gas money again
-i also have edamame money
-prom is soon (and somewhere really pretty!)
-i'm not sick anymore
-my absences are excused
-mr skenyon has a soul
-nate's the most adorable boyfriend of all time
-and he loves me(!)



i wish i had a little rectangular rug to stand on barefoot. i'd play guitar on it, maybe meditate...
i think it'd be a nice thing to have.

hope all is well!
xo

i was blonde for five whole minutes.
it was horrible. my roots were white and my tips were brown.
so i'm now a brunette until further notice.


saturday, march twenty-ninth i'm showing at a gallery opening for SWAN day. (support women artists now)
it'll be fun, i didn't submit anything huge. just a little watercolor flower with a cool frame job.
but i'm still excited! i'm going to be surrounded by fellow feminist artists for a whole day. someone might even buy my piece, which would be nice. i'm not counting on it, but i'm certainly dragging nate along. if any of you feel inclined to come for a fun day of art and all-girl empowerment, ask me for the details! i'd be glad to see you there.


hope you're all doing well!
xo,
kaly.

i want to be happy with who i am!


it's always such a struggle. according to everyone else, it shouldn't be. i don't understand it.
it's always  such a weight issue. i weigh less than most of my friends, but i feel bigger. i shouldn't. i don't understand it.
i'm always so easy to upset. they're just friends, why do i take such offense? i shouldn't. i don't understand it.
i'm always so hard on myself. i'm doing just fine, but i feel like i'm failing. it shouldn't feel that way. i don't understand it.
brittany sullivan's brother is spreading vicious lies about me around the sophomore class. i don't understand why. i never said any of those things about his sister. i think he's having a bit of a denial issue. your sister is a fake and a drug addict. i'm sorry, the truth hurts. get over it and stop taking it out on me, i won't fight back and you know it.
i'm very careful about hiding the flirty wall posts other guys leave me for nate's benefit. i feel horrible for having put her down, but even he admitted it, she's a flirt. and she's terribly condescending. i wonder if what she sent him is what was actually said...
i have a bmi of 18.9. you're considered underweight at 18.6. why do i still feel like a whale?
skenyon gave me a zero on my research paper because i cited something wrong. i look up to him in a father-figure sort of way, but i really do hate him. maybe i too closely associate him and my father. klgkjs;ldfkg
dflkjlgkfldskfjglkdsgj AND AM I GETTING INTO COLLEGE? junior year has sucked the life out of me.


i guarantee you that this makes no sense. thanks for trying.
hope all is well, i love you!

xo.

the window's open and i feel like writing. there's something comforting about the sound of wind, the sound of tires on dry pavement.
i thrive on comfort. it's almost unfortunate, i seek it everywhere. i need hugs all the time, i need reassurance. i need to know that where i'm going, where i want to go, i need to know that it's all feasible and wrapped up tight in a nice, comfortable box for me. writing about arthur miller is just out of my comfort zone, i suppose. and i guess i could say the same about calling nate.
sometimes i'm ridiculous. i'm just excited for the silly little things we've planned for weekends to come. i'm excited for laying around in bed with him and a good movie. i'm excited for girlfriend night, and being the anti-nate. i'm excited for bringing him to the peace abbey, i'm excited for warm weather and swings. i hope he likes playgrounds.
and i hope he calls tonight.

and i hope for happiness.


hope all is well.
xo,
kaly.

i feel so many things!
it's overwhelming, how marvelous the world can be. i have a very serious case of anne frank syndrome. i could sit here and fill your friends' page with a ridiculous stream of consciousness until i have no words left in me. i'd almost forgotten how much incredible potential there is in every day.

there is love everywhere. i think sometimes i fail to realize it, but i have so much love in my life. sometimes i get so caught up in the (fatherly) love i don't feel that i fail to grasp the sheer magnitude of people who do love and care about me.

and i love them!
and you!
you're all so beautiful.


i can't wait for warm weather so i can wear my dresses and flip-flops again. and visit the peace abbey. and meditate in the sun.
i miss the way sun feels on warm cheeks.

i posted this via note to my facebook, but i really want you guys to know these things, too.


i woke up today and for some reason, i felt like things were falling into place. it could've been the fact that for the first time in a week my temperature was normal or the fact that it's bright blue outside, or the awesome new cardigan that was waiting for me at the foot of my bed, but whatever it was, something clicked.
i think that maybe spring is finally on its way. which is always refreshing. once all the snow starts to melt and the birds are singing again there's a universal sense of renewal, and it's hard to feel left out of something like that. when i'm done with this i might go for a walk or something, it's been so long since i felt really close to the earth.
anyway, that's all irrelevant. i know that there's a really slim chance that the people i want to reach with this note will feel even a little bit compelled to read it, but sometimes the universe is funny like that. hopefully it'll bring you here, whoever you are! (i know, but do you know?)
and i guess that's my point; that maybe we don't know who we are. and that's alright, really. i don't think that at sixteen or seventeen or eighteen everything is supposed to make sense. identity is a gradual progression, maybe you don't know who you are just yet. maybe all you know is that you really like sunshine or maybe you just know that you like algebra or long car rides or the smiths, and if that's all you know then it's a start. (personally, i can't stand algebra and the smiths certainly aren't in my top ten, either.) soul searching doesn't happen overnight. it can, but for the most part it takes time. i guess that what i'm trying to say is, there's nothing wrong with that! if you hit a rough patch and all of a sudden, you have no idea who you are, that's fine! don't freak out, you're still alive and the same people still love and care about you. which brings me to my next (preachy! sorry!) point...
don't ever go feeling unloved. sometimes people do change, and yeah, sometimes they do stop feeling certain emotions towards you, but here's what i've noticed you're forgetting, (and this is so important, so please, don't forget it,) you'll always have at least two people in this world.
person number one! (probably [definitely!] the most important person,) yourself. love yourself first. it's definitely the hardest for most of us, but time after time it always comes back to self-love. you're all beautiful people! every fingerprint, every freckle, every eyelash on your body is entirely revolutionary. if one person doesn't want to wake up next to you or send you awesome text messages or be the same person anymore, then it wasn't meant to be in the first place. you deserve only the best. and if that person decides that they can't be that person to you anymore, it doesn't make them any different than when you first met them! it doesn't mean that you can't be awesome friends anymore!
person number two is, well, me. i know it sounds silly, but no matter who you are, i'm always here for you. whether we've never spoken or we're long lost friends or you, for some reason, are under the impression that i hate the very earth on which you stand, i'm always always always here for you. i have love for every last ridiculous one of you facebookers and then some. don't ever be afraid to ask for someone to talk to. i'm always here no matter what. i'll always love you!

so that's it, really, and the more i write of this note the more ridiculous i think i sound. it's alright, though. hopefully at least one of you reads (skims! at the very least!) through the whole thing. "whatever you decide, if you are true to you, you're gonna be alright."

xo,
kaly.

    monday finds me bound
    in
    this safe
    and
    unholy matrimony
of skin against
    skin
of breath against
    breath,
    sharing long-winded
    breezes; warm and
    amorphous.
    where there once was
                                     space
now,
    only particle joinedwith
    particle.
    laugh and
                release!
    creator, let there be
space                               but
    only a
    little
       (unholy)
                   room.
 

things that are awesome:
-rainy days indoors
-feeling good about darfur
-cutest boyfriend ever
-falling asleep with cutest boyfriend ever
-birds in the morning
-feeling thin(ner)
-finishing art projects on time
-kisses from said boyfriend
-anticipating adorable weekends
-"girlfriend night"
-new tights
-odwalla pomegranate lemonade
-weighing just enough to donate blood
-browsing vintage prom dresses
-stomach butterflies
-not wanting to say goodbye
-not saying goodbye
-waking up to cute text messages
-listening to neutral milk hotel in the shower
-nate-scented pillows
-the proposition of new jeans
-looking for his birthday present(s!)
-sleep.



i'm really feeling the last one, lately. it seems like no matter what i do, i can't get enough of it. i've been having insane migraines (lately the only cure is a nateforeheadkiss) every five minutes, at least two nosebleeds a day, and my belly always hurts.
i'm worried about it, but not really all that worried.
who needs worry when you have a nate?

oh my goodness. how amazing.

how incredibly astonishingly amazing.
i am in some serious like with this boy.
( gushy. )

i hope you're all doing well!
xo

that's me whistling in the background.
hahaha <3 kimya.